How To Train A Human: Lesson #2: Pretend To Be Cute And Helpless

Let’s face it, size matters. The smaller you are, the better. That’s where we cats have it all over most of our canine rivals. (And let’s be honest, those little dogs just are not cute!) The smaller you are, the easier it is to get your way. You can end up doing things you’ve been “trained” not to do, and going into places you’ve been forbidden to go into, with total impunity.

That’s because humans have a soft spot for cute, helpless, little things: babies, puppies, kittens. But babies and puppies grow big, some of them really big, whereas we cats remain small. Never regret your small size. It gives you an advantage you won’t get anywhere else.

Now, of course we cats know we’re not cute and helpless even though we’re small. We’re regal and fierce and in charge. But humans equate size with power, so they will never suspect your true nature. Not until it’s too late. To ensure that, here are some strategy points to start you off.

  1. Shudder a lot. If you look like you’re scared, and scared of them especially, they will melt like ice cream on a 90-degree day. So hunker down, let your ears droop, and shudder. Blink your eyes like you’re trying not to cry; a soft mew or two is always helpful.
  1. Roll on your back when they scold you. Humans think that’s a position of submission and it really gets to them. You may have to let them rub your tummy for a bit, but it’s worth the tradeoff. The submission ruse ensures you get your way every time.
  1. Rub your cheek against their arm, their hand, or even their face if you can get up close enough. Throw in a purr or two for maximum effect, and maybe a lick or two. Paw at their arm, hand or face as you stare into their eyes, but be careful not to use your claws. You’re going for cute and helpless, remember, not stubborn and contrary.

When you give humans the cute and helpless act, they will forget all about what they wanted you to do, or not do, and will fawn all over you. They’ll give you lots of attention, which as cats we deserve, and lots of loving, then go on their way, completely forgetting whatever is was they wanted to “teach” you. You’ll once again have free rein to do as you please, in the way that you please.

And when they start in again with the discipline nonsense, fall back on your Cute and Helpless strategies. You’ll have them trained in no time.

About Susan Tuttle

Susan Tuttle is a professional freelance editor, writing instructor and multi-award winning author of 21 books—6 nonfiction on writing (Write It Right), 6 suspense novels and 7 collections of award-winning short stories. She also has stories in both volumes of "Deadlines", the new anthology from the Central Coast Chapter of Sisters in Crime (SinC), Tales from a Rocky Coast, and the SLO NightWriter anthology. Under the pen name Susan Grace O'Neill, she is the author of the Journey With Jesus series: Lord, Let Me Grow (Parables) vol. 1, and Lord, Let Me Walk (Lent). She is currently working on volume #2 of her Skylark P.I. series (a PI with paranormal abilities), as well as 2 YA fantasy series. And she teaches fiction writing in both the morning and afternoon every Wednesday. Email her if you're interested in joining her class. And follow her on Twitter and FaceBook.