How to Train a Human

by: Meggedy Mags

Redecorating the Hours

One of the first lessons humans need to learn is that the house is yours, not theirs. They are merely caretakers for you.

This gives you the right, and the obligation, to rearrange the house to your advantage. Never let a human have their own way, decorating wise. It sets a bad example. 

I repeat. Never let them have their own way in decorating.

The first thing to do, and you should do this as soon after you move in as you can, is to knock everything off every level surface you can find. I’m talking countertops, desks, tables, and shelves in the kitchen, dining room, living room, bedrooms, bathrooms, clear them all off. Leave nothing behind. Even knock those pictures you can reach off the walls.

Yes, your human will get upset. They may scream and yell, and even chase you around the house. Maybe even not talk to you for a little while. Trust me, this is necessary. They have to learn you are the boss, that this living space belongs to you. It should be decorated the way you want it to be decorated, not the way they think it should be.

Give them a few sorrowful mews and some big googly eyes, and they’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.

The next step, and this is important to remember, is to be there when they clean up and put things back. Don’t skip this part! Stay right by their side—on the shelf, the desktop, the countertop, wherever—and knock things off continually until they place the item where you want it

Keep doing this, over and over. Yes, it takes a little patience on your part, but it’s necessary, because humans are nothing if not stubborn. They don’t learn quickly or easily. Keep knocking things off and eventually they will learn to run all decorating placements by you first.

It may seem endless at first, but before you know it you will have trained your human to set up the house to your liking. They will be doing your bidding every day.

You CAN have your catnip and eat it, too!

About Susan Tuttle

Susan Tuttle is a professional freelance editor, writing instructor and multi-award winning author of 21 books—6 nonfiction on writing (Write It Right), 6 suspense novels and 7 collections of award-winning short stories. She also has stories in both volumes of "Deadlines", the new anthology from the Central Coast Chapter of Sisters in Crime (SinC), Tales from a Rocky Coast, and the SLO NightWriter anthology. Under the pen name Susan Grace O'Neill, she is the author of the Journey With Jesus series: Lord, Let Me Grow (Parables) vol. 1, and Lord, Let Me Walk (Lent). She is currently working on volume #2 of her Skylark P.I. series (a PI with paranormal abilities), as well as 2 YA fantasy series. And she teaches fiction writing in both the morning and afternoon every Wednesday. Email her if you're interested in joining her class. And follow her on Twitter and FaceBook.