How To Train A Human

Adjusting Attention Spans

Humans are fickle creatures. They have either very long attention spans, or very short ones, and no one can say for sure at which point each one comes to the fore. Just understand that these spans tend to run contrary to whatever you want or need at the time. You must train your human properly to get the amount and the kind of attention you so richly deserve, on a minute-by-minute basis.

Always remember, you are in charge. You set the pace; it’s up to your human slaves to recognize what you need and give it to you. That is their main function in life, to cater to your every need. After all, that is a ‘cat’word: cat-er.

Know this: unless properly trained, humans will always consider their activities more important than your needs. They say they don’t have time to pet you; they need to finish laundry, cleaning the counters or other such work, have to cook dinner for other humans (notice, it’s never for you), must spend time staring at that big screen on their desktop and pecking away at those funny black squares with their fingers. They will either ignore you, or give you a cursory pet and expect you to go away. They will do this despite your need for attention. You must be very firm about stopping such frivolous behaviors.

Humans must learn that you come first, for however long you desire their attention. Wind around their feet and legs if they are ‘busy’ in the kitchen. Sit on whatever they are working on, be it laundry, bed-making, or even staring at that ridiculous box, the computer. Jump up onto their lap and get between them and the book they are reading, or the TV they are watching. Sit on the keyboard if they are typing; walk along the keys if they are playing a piano. Yowl incessantly if they are engaged in some loud activity, such as playing a flute or clarinet, or listening to CDs, until they stop. 

In reverse, they will sometimes get in the “mood” to bother you for an extended period of time, when all you want is to be left alone. The best way to discourage this is to use both teeth and claws; some lovely, long, bloody scratches on hands and arms will immediately discourage unwanted attention, and give you the space you are entitled to. 

Don’t worry; they’ll get over it. You’ll be surprised how quickly that will happen.

Remember, you are the emperor or empress; insist that you be petted for as long as you choose it, be it only five minutes or a full hour. Be persistent and eventually your human will be adhering to your schedule, and giving you exactly the attention you crave, when and for how long you desire it.

After all, you are Cat!

About Susan Tuttle

Susan Tuttle is a professional freelance editor, writing instructor and multi-award winning author of 21 books—6 nonfiction on writing (Write It Right), 6 suspense novels and 7 collections of award-winning short stories. She also has stories in both volumes of "Deadlines", the new anthology from the Central Coast Chapter of Sisters in Crime (SinC), Tales from a Rocky Coast, and the SLO NightWriter anthology. Under the pen name Susan Grace O'Neill, she is the author of the Journey With Jesus series: Lord, Let Me Grow (Parables) vol. 1, and Lord, Let Me Walk (Lent). She is currently working on volume #2 of her Skylark P.I. series (a PI with paranormal abilities), as well as 2 YA fantasy series. And she teaches fiction writing in both the morning and afternoon every Wednesday. Email her if you're interested in joining her class. And follow her on Twitter and FaceBook.